I Couldn't Save Her
by Moonglow gal
Summary: When someone involved in the conflict with Naraku dies, the remaining fighters are left wracked with guilt. Who is to blame for their fellow warrior's death? Oneshot. SPOILERS!


**I Couldn't Save Her**

_Hey all! This one-shot is a reaction to manga chapter 465 (halfway through book 46), available in the manga section of www dot ear-tweak dot com. I'm warning you, there has never been a fic with so many **UBER-SPOILERS WITHIN!** So if you don't know what happened in chapter 465 (it's called "Light"), you have three options._

_1) Drop everything, go to ear-tweak dot com, read chapter 465, then come back to read this (it'll only take ten to twenty minutes, depending on the speed of your computer)._

_2) Don't read this._

_3) Read this anyways and get the **SPOILER OF A LIFETIME!**_

_Anyways, this is my take on what could happen in chapter 466. The idea to write this kind of came to me because I was so impatient to see the real chapter 466 (WHICH STILL ISN'T UP!) that I came up with my own plot. I'm actually kind of glad that I haven't read Takahashi-sensei's follow-up on 465 yet, because that way, my ideas are solely my own._

_Japanese Word of the Day: _tasukeru-_to save._

_Disclaimer: In no way do I own Takahashi-sensei's Inuyasha. But I _do_ own this spinoff, since I haven't read the real thing yet. If the real thing turns out to be like this fic, then I don't own the spinoff either. Does that mean I own nothing?_

_Note: From now on, all names will have their Japanese honorifics attached, because I like how they define the relationships between characters. I won't do this in BTBL or Courage simply because I don't feel like going back and changing everything for consistency's sake (which I would actually do)._

_-- -- --_

The stars were silent. The grass was silent. The six figures on the hillside were silent.

She shakily ran a hand over her still-streaming eyes. _Why…?_

"They're all gone," whispered the kitsune child.

"Yes…but she isn't."

She flinched at the sound of that voice, and stared up at the quiet stars, her heart thundering like a bass drum. The voice continued softly, "She'll always be here…always watching over us…always protecting us."

He turned, so abruptly that her eyes involuntarily flicked toward the blur of motion. "She didn't want us to cry." His eyes, as always, were deep, mysterious, intense, shadowed with some sort of internal struggle. But now, they were also sad, as if the very world had fallen to pieces in his hands.

"But—" she protested softly, a deep, shameful fear twisting in her gut.

"You don't have to say anything, Kagome," he whispered, looking away. The moonlight glinted off of his silver hair, lent his golden eyes an ethereal glow. He looked so beautiful there under the moon and stars. _But so far away_, she whispered silently, wanting to reach out to touch him, to assure him that she was there, to assure herself that he still needed her.

The fear intensified and clamped her arm down to her side. _Do you hate me?_ she asked the back of his head. _Because I survived…and Kikyou didn't?_

No…Inuyasha wouldn't hate her! He knew…he would understand…

But what was there to understand?

"I want to be alone," Inuyasha suddenly said, and took off without a backward glance. Kagome stared after him, her hands pressed obediently against her sides, longing to follow him and offer whatever solace she could. But she couldn't. He wanted to be alone. And she didn't want to hear him answer her question. She was afraid it would break her. Certainly enough had happened that she was already on the verge of hysterics. Not much was required to turn her watering eyes into wild fits of laughter and sobbing at this point.

"I can't believe…" The soft female voice behind Kagome trailed off, completely bewildered and a little lost-sounding. "She was always so…and then…"

_The spider web_, Kagome recalled. _Naraku's spider web. That's what started it. He used it to aggravate Kikyou's wounds with even more miasma. He lodged the Shikon Jewel in her body…and she died because she tried to purify it in her weakened state._

There was more to the story, but it hurt too much to relive. That single, terrible thought had tortured her constantly ever since she had known that Kikyou's time was up. She couldn't face it. Not now. Possibly not ever. Because it hurt her, it hurt Kikyou and, most of all, it would hurt Inuyasha. _I _believed_ it…but I couldn't._

"Kagome?" asked a gruff voice. "Are you all right?"

Slowly, she reached up and pressed both her hands to her heart. Without turning to face the owner of the voice, she murmured, "I'll be fine, Kouga-kun."

"Glad to hear it." She heard a grunt as the wolf youkai hauled himself to his feet. He walked gingerly across the grass, stepping carefully to avoid re-opening the wounds in his legs. "But I didn't ask if you _would_ be all right. I'm asking if you're all right _now_."

Kagome turned and quickly said, "Kouga-kun, your legs—"

"Will be fine," he finished for her, his cool-blue eyes warming with anxiety. "I lived most of my life without the Shikon shards, so I can live without them now. What I'm worried about is _you_."

"I'm fine," she said softly, ripping her gaze away from him, knowing that even without looking into her ash-gray eyes, he would be able to read the lie in her voice, her posture, her scent.

And he did. In response to her deceit, he merely raised an eyebrow. _Since when has he been so perceptive?_ Kagome wondered.

"Kagome-chan?" Now, a demon slayer with blazing ruby eyes was addressing her. "Do you…?"

"I feel _fine_, Sango-chan," Kagome sighed again. "I'm just worried about Inuyasha. He lost Kikyou yet again…" She couldn't go on; she couldn't _bear_ to go on. She felt her stomach knot.

Sango merely stared at her for a moment before she murmured, "I'm sorry. If I could have protected Kohaku…if I had been stronger, Kikyou would not have had to protect him. Maybe then she would have had the strength to oppose Naraku…and win." Her armored shoulders slumped with defeat.

"Sango. Don't blame yourself for what you could not control." A monk stepped up beside her, sliding a comforting arm around her waist. Sango would not normally have accepted such close contact, especially in front of others, but she seemed too tired to care.

After a moment, the demon slayer smiled weakly at him. "Don't worry, houshi-sama. I learned long ago that blaming yourself for others' deaths is pointless. They're already dead, and they'd rather you _didn't_ kill yourself with guilt over their passing." She stared at him again before adding softly, "So don't blame yourself for not sucking in Naraku with your kazaana. Maybe it would have saved Kikyou. But it would have killed _you_. And the gods know I wouldn't last long without you."

He gave her his own sad smile, but Kagome only vaguely noted the affectionate exchange. _But it's _my_ fault she died_, she protested, watching the pair as they offered each other silent comfort. _Kikyou sent me to Mt. Azusa for the sacred bow_—she could see the weapon lying next to their hastily built campfire—_to purify Naraku's miasma. But I didn't know…it wasn't to heal her. It was to purify the Jewel. It was to lend her strength in her last battle, not…_

She could feel her tears begin to flow again. _I couldn't save her! If I had been stronger, Kikyo would've had more strength. She would have been able to fight. She would have _lived.

"Can you hear me, Kagome?" Kouga was asking, staring anxiously into her eyes. Kagome came back to herself with a surprised jerk and, once she had regained her bearings, gave the youkai a faint smile. There was no need for her to explain herself. He already knew, if the look on his face was any judge. "Whatever's bothering you"—he said softly—"just tell me. Tell me and I'll do whatever it takes to make it better."

The simultaneous futility and sincerity in that statement almost made Kagome laugh, but she cut herself off. If she laughed now, her tears would turn into hilarity. Hysteria…not what she needed right now. "I think…right now, I think I just need some time alone." With that, she backed slowly away from the campfire, glancing at the still-embracing slayer and monk, the little kitsune sleeping fitfully next to Sango's fire cat, and again at Kouga, who was still watching her with concern in his eyes. She saved her last fleeting look for the empty grassy plain that hid the person she both most wanted to see and most desperately wished to avoid.

The hill fell away beneath her feet, and she finally found herself at the very top. A few more steps, and she was just past the crest. Now, the others couldn't see her, but she was still close enough that they wouldn't get anxious and search for her. Kagome slumped to the ground, her knees drawn up to her chest and her arms folded protectively around them. _Make it better…you _can't_ make it better. No one can. Kikyou died because I was too weak. I didn't have the strength. I didn't have the strength of will. I didn't _want_ it enough. Because—_

The fear in her belly suddenly sent out such a violent burst of self-disgust that she actually felt a brief wave of nausea. _I'm just a stupid, stupid, weak, jealous, spoiled, _useless_ little brat, brat, brat!_ she thought despairingly, hunching over so she could press her face against her kneecaps and suppress the queasiness. _Because I'm _jealous_ of Kikyou, my heart faltered. I didn't _want_ her recovery enough, so my arrow couldn't save her. I didn't save her, even though I could have, all because I'm so weak…so stupid…my selfishness _killed_ Kikyou—_

"**_NO!_**" Kagome's scream ripped violently out of her throat as if it were a poison her body was trying to expel. "I didn't kill Kikyou!" she keened, feeling herself pitching forward, the immense blackness everywhere twisting, closing in, a strange buzzing filling her ears. "I _didn't_! I didn't want her to die! It's not my—"

She choked, her fists closing around something soft and cold. No, that was wrong. She couldn't finish that sentence. It was a lie. It _was_ her fault. Her fault that her own previous incarnation had died, had not been able to keep the world's most powerful magical artifact out of Naraku's hands. _Her _fault that Kikyou had lost her second chance at some semblance of life. _Her fault_ that Inuyasha had lost the first woman he had ever come to love—

"Kagome-sama, _what's wrong with you?_" The smooth voice cut cleanly through her thoughts, and she suddenly realized that someone was shaking her shoulders. She had pitched forward in her panic, so now she was sitting on her heels, stooped over, her fists clenched deeply in the dewy grass. A face suddenly whipped in front of hers, and two large, strong hands moved to her upper arms. She felt herself shaking again. "_Kagome-sama!_"

"Miroku-sama," she murmured, blinking at the frown wrinkles between his indigo eyes.

His face instantly relaxed, although he still looked deeply concerned. "Kagome-sama, don't make us worry like that. You were screaming, and you refused to respond when we tried to talk to you—"

"Sorry," she said, knowing that cutting off his words had been rude. But she couldn't bring herself to be polite or listen to lectures about her safety. _Her_ safety. The safety of a girl who let a woman die just because she was jealous and weak.

Kagome let out a silent sob. Gods, she didn't want to think about this! She just wanted to curl up into a ball and forget. Be it through sleep or death, she suddenly didn't care; she just wanted to _forget_ for a while and just be. But a killer had no peace. Kagome may not have landed the fatal blow, but she was a killer all the same.

Sango was standing just behind Miroku and was watching her friend with an expression that somehow combined pity, camaraderie, and anger. "Kagome-chan," she said gently. "What houshi-sama and I said to each other applies to you as well."

_How can you say that, Sango-chan?_ Kagome thought raggedly, slowly straightening, although she remained kneeling on the grass. _You weren't there, at Mt. Azusa, when the spirit tested me. I knew then…I hesitated, I was angry. I was jealous, and for a moment, I just wanted to _live_. I wanted to drop the heavy bow so I could save my _own_ life. I wasn't strong enough to save Kikyo. It _was_ my fault, because Kikyou had trusted me._

"I betrayed her," she whispered.

Kouga, who had been hovering anxiously around the perimeter, moved as quickly as his wounded legs would let him and knelt at her side. "What are you saying, Kagome?"

"…nothing. It was nothing." She felt bad for brushing him off, so she touched his shoulder gratefully before she stood. "I'm…I'm going to sleep. Kouga-kun, Sango-chan, Miroku-sama, thank you for worrying about me. I'll be fine."

The others watched her uncertainly as she walked calmly back to the campfire. At some point, her tears had stopped again. Maybe, if she could just keep herself from thinking until she fell asleep, she wouldn't cry.

Kagome's whole body ached longingly for her sleeping bag as she wearily descended the hill. The day had been one full of hard knocks and emotional stress. Not only was her body sore, but her head hurt from using that arrow.

_No, _don't_ think about it,_ she thought forcefully, making herself concentrate on navigating her way through the grass. She focused with almost frightening intensity on locating her sleeping bag and rolling it out beside the snoozing Shippo. With a sigh, she slipped inside. _The stars. Look at the stars_, she ordered herself.

But that wouldn't do. The moment she saw those thousands of tiny twinkling lights, she was reminded of the very moment of Kikyou's death, when Inuyasha kissed the dying woman in his arms, and she melted into a blaze of light that separated into hundreds of souls. The souls had surrounded them all, warming the weary survivors with their light and Kikyou's silent promise. "Don't mourn. I will always protect you."

Kagome squeezed her eyes shut. She was exhausted, so maybe if she just thought about _nothing_ for long enough, she'd drift off through sheer fatigue. Maybe.

"Hey."

Her eyes snapped open. "…hey," she whispered back the silver-haired shadow hovering above her.

Before she could say more, her visitor asked the question that she had wanted to ask him. "Are you all right?"

She felt her eyebrows draw close together in confusion, and she sat up. "Why are you asking me? _You're_ the one we should be worried about right now."

Inuyasha sighed and crouched, bracing his hands on the ground and looking for all the world like a tired puppy. For once, the mental image didn't cheer Kagome at all. "You were screaming."

"I'm fine," she said tiredly, wishing people would stop asking her that blasted question. "I was just…angry at myself. Anyways, how are _you_?"

His golden eyes bored into her skull for several long, silent moments before he said, "You sounded scared." He completely ignored her question.

Kagome took the hint that he didn't want to talk about himself, but she didn't particularly want to talk about _her_self either. Instead, she shrugged. "Well, I'm fine now. And tired. I need to get some sleep. You should, too." She made to lie back down, but a clawed hand on her shoulder stopped her. She sighed. "Yes?"

"You _aren't_ fine," he said forcefully, pushing her back upright. Instead of dropping his hand as Kagome had expected him to, Inuyasha instead slid his hand up to her chin and turned her face toward his. "Something's bothering you. You smell sad and angry and…" He leaned forward slightly and took a light sniff. "…and full of hatred." His latest revelation brought an alarmed look to his face. "There's something _really_ wrong with you, Kagome."

"Thanks for the comfort, Mr. Sensitive," Kagome responded wearily, pulling her chin out of his grasp. "But I'll be _fine_."

"Don't fuck around with me, Kagome."

Stung by his harsh words, she snapped back, "Look, can you take a hint or not? I'm in a crappy mood right now and I'd really rather not talk to anyone or see anyone or even _think_ about anything at all! Is _that_ enough for you to give me the peace I need?"

Inuyasha said nothing. Instead, he simply raised his eyes to hers and held them there, making Kagome forget the stars, the fire, the sleeping bag, the three companions talking quietly at the crest of the hill. She forgot them all…but she remembered something drastically more important. Her hand rose shakily to cover her mouth as she murmured, "Oh…gods. I can't believe I just…Inuyasha, I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me. I wasn't thinking."

_I forgot_, she added silently, knowing that the words didn't need to be spoken. He already knew. _I forgot that _you_ are the one who is hurting the most of us all. You need comfort infinitely more than the rest of us do. _You're_ the one who lost Kikyou. She was yours, you were hers_—the thought sent a lance of envy through her, making the shameful fear in her gut burn—_and you lost her._

Somehow, she found the nerve to swallow and softly ask, "So are _you_ all right?"

Inuyasha shrugged, not offering an answer. Kagome noted that his eyes were still swollen from the tears he had shed for Kikyou. No, it hadn't been a lone tear in the corner of his eye, as he had revealed to them only once. It hadn't been a shining, empty glaze like the one he'd had over his eyes when he thought Kikyou had died at Mount Hakurei.

It had been a downpour. His eyes had filled, his tears had fallen like rain onto Kikyou's weak, dirtied, beautiful face as she slowly lost to Naraku for the last time. He had cried for her. He had kissed her. He had lost her.

Kagome quickly faked a yawn to hide her own jealous tears. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I know—well, I don't _really_ know—but I know how important she was to you. It's…hard to lose the person you love most."

His gaze was locked on her face, and something flickered behind those golden irises of his. But for a long time, he still didn't say anything. Finally, he commented, almost casually, "You know, it's not your fault."

She was taken aback. First Koga, now Inuyasha; since when had these two men become so keen? A weak smile flickered across her face as she replied, "Thanks. I appreciate the thought."

He frowned. "I'm serious, Kagome. You have a stupid habit of beating yourself up for what you couldn't change. Kikyou didn't die because of you." Other than a slight wobble on the miko's name, Inuyasha's voice was surprisingly calm.

"How do you know that?" popped out of her mouth before she could swallow her words. When Inuyasha gave her a hard, questioning look, she instantly knew that, short of Naraku appearing on the spot, nothing would distract the hanyou from her now. "You weren't there at Mount Azusa. You don't know what I was feeling when the spirit came to me as Kikyou and…" She shook her head. "I was…jealous."

Inuyasha seemed to take the comment in stride, either not noticing or deliberately ignoring the connotation of her words. "So. What does that have to do with anything?"

"Don't you get it? I was jealous of Kikyou, so my heart…I didn't want it enough. I didn't want to save Kikyou enough. If I hadn't acted so selfishly, my arrow would have been stronger. It would have given Kikyou the strength she needed to purify Naraku. But it didn't. It wasn't strong enough." She looked shamefully down at her hands and whispered, "Kikyou trusted me to save her. I betrayed her trust."

Of all things she had expected—an angry tirade, silent agreement, wordless shock—Kagome had _definitely_ not expected Inuyasha to snort. Which, contrary as he was, he did. "Are you stupid or something, Kagome?"

"Is telling the truth stupid now, Inuyasha?" she shot back, angry at his lack of sensitivity.

He blinked at her. "You really think that _you're_ the one responsible for Kikyou's death? Who was the one who braved Mount Azusa alone to find some random bow that may or may not save Kikyou's life? Who faced down a bitchy copy of Kikyou and was determined to save her anyways? Who was it who, while going off to the mountain, _let me stay with Kikyou_?"

Kagome blinked back, hating the brief, arrogant flash of triumph in his eyes. It seemed so wrong in contrast to the grief that shadowed his whole face, yet it was the only thing in his whole expression that seemed natural. She had never seen Inuyasha so dejected before. "…me."

"See?" He pointed at her, his claw glinting in the moonlight. "No matter what _your_ feelings were, you still did your best to save her. You did everything in your power to save Kikyou. Why? Because you're just stupid and selfless like that, Kagome."

"Like I said, Inuyasha, I really appreciate it. But—"

"But nothing," he said in a harsher voice. "Do you really need me to point it out? _I'm_ the reason why Kikyou died. I left her alone and defenseless, because I was stupid enough to forget how weak she was. _I'm_ the one who didn't get back to her before Naraku got his hands on her. Once he'd caught her…" His voice was wobbly. "…once he'd caught her, there was no hope."

"But Inuyasha, I had a chance to save her."

"No you didn't. Once Naraku got her, it was over. It was too late." He distractedly flattened his bangs over and over again, as if trying to hide his face from her. "All you can blame yourself for is not being able to fix _my_ mistake that was already too big to be fixed by _anyone_. The minute Naraku touched her, Kikyou was as good as dead." The hand smoothing his hair was shaking. "I couldn't protect her. I couldn't save her."

Kagome tossed back the top of her sleeping bag and rose to her knees. "Inuyasha, no, don't say things like that. It wasn't your fault. It was mine, and I'm sorry. You don't have to spare my feelings. I know my own mistakes."

"It's _not!_ It's not your fault! I failed Kikyou!" He wildly swung his eyes up to hers, the gold and black alike sparkling with desperation and guilt. "You understand? She was _depending_ on me and I _killed_ her!"

"Inuyasha, _listen to me_." Kagome leaned forward and firmly took his face between her two hands. Making sure he was watching her and listening to her, she said slowly and clearly, "This wasn't your fault. Do you hear me? Kikyou didn't die because of you."

He easily broke her grip. "Don't try to spare _my_ feelings," he said darkly. "I'm not stupid. I know what I did and didn't do."

Shaking her head in defeat, Kagome slumped. "I don't know what to say to you, Inuyasha." She looked up and was surprised to see a wary look in his eyes. "What?"

"It's me, isn't it?" The way he asked it, she knew he wasn't referring to who was responsible for Kikyou's death. But what _was _he referring to?

"I told you before," he explained quietly, looking down at the hand that he had grabbed her chin with. "You smell full of hatred. You hate me for it, don't you? For not being capable of protecting just two human women."

Shock. Kagome mouthed at him for a moment before half-shouting, "That's the stupidest thing I have _ever_ heard you say, Inuyasha! How could you think for one second that I would ever hate you? Sure, I'm always thinking that you're insensitive or thick or just plain idiotic, like now, but I could never hate you!"

Inuyasha's forehead wrinkled bewilderedly as he squinted at her. "Then…who?"

An already too-familiar pain in her abdomen gave her answer. "Myself."

"By the fucking _gods_, are you stupid or what?" he snapped at her. "Don't blame yourself for what wasn't even your stupid fault!"

Kagome sighed. "Look, let's talk about this some other time, okay? For now, we should sleep." _My head hurts too much to debate with a stubborn hanyou_, she added, yawning for real this time.

"Yeah, you should get some rest."

Having already lain down, she peered suspiciously up at him. "What, aren't you going to sleep?"

"No. I'm standing watch for the night," he retorted, having heard the skeptical note in her voice. "Go to sleep."

"Nonsense!" Kagome exclaimed, tugging at his red sleeve, somehow unable to summon up the energy to sit up again. "Even when you're sleeping, you can still hear and smell perfectly fine! Today was _exhausting_ for me. I can't imagine what it's been like for _you_."

His face darkened sadly for a moment before he replied, "It could get worse. I could wake up and find out that while I was asleep, some demon snuck up and killed you all. I could find out that I failed to protect someone _again_. Go to sleep," he added in a husky voice, turning stubbornly away from her.

Kagome lay there silently, considering his words, her hand still hovering where he had pulled his sleeve from her grasp. Finally, she murmured, "I see. It makes sense. You'd be a lot more careful with your friends once you've lost the only woman you've ever loved. I'm sorry. Good night."

She turned over, sure that she should say more, but equally sure that she couldn't stay awake long enough to put together and speak one coherent sentence. Indeed, she was already drifting off into comforting black oblivion when she felt Inuyasha delicately cover her with the tossed-back cover of her sleeping bag.

"The _first_ woman I've ever loved," he corrected her softly, his warm voice the last thing she heard before drifting off to sleep.

_(end)_

_-- -- --_

_Aaaaaaand…done! I hope you liked it! Those of you who read this even though you didn't know the spoiler, I shake my finger at thee (**shakes finger**), and then confess that I probably would have done the same thing you did._

_So let me know what you thought! If you're at all confused about what happened before this, here's my condensed version. If you don't want to know, just skip down to where I say: STORY'S OVER!_

_Naraku set up this evil plan that ended up weakening Kikyou to a near-deadly point with miasma. Kagome wanted to save Kikyou, but because she was also tainted by Naraku's miasma, she couldn't. So Kikyou sent Kagome to Mt. Azusa to find a special bow that would allow Kagome to purify Kikyou, warning her that whatever was at the mountain would test Kagome first, and she could only get the bow if she _truly_ wished to save Kikyou._

_So Kagome went. The spirit at Mt. Azusa first separated Kagome from the others (Kouga and the gang minus Inuyasha had gone with her; Inuyasha stayed behind with Kikyou) gave Kagome the bow, then suddenly had her dangling off a cliff, with the bow suddenly becoming heavier and heavier. The spirit took Kikyou's shape and kept goading Kagome, apparently trying to get her to drop the bow and save herself. But Kagome refused and was able to keep the bow._

_Meanwhile, Kikyou got worried, so she and Inuyasha took off for Mt. Azusa. I think he left her somewhere where he thought she'd be safe and went to save Kagome. But by the time Kagome was safe, the others had been captured. Everyone but weakened Kikyou managed to escape, although Koga lost his shards in the process._

_Naraku planted the tainted Jewel in Kikyou's body. Kagome took this as a signal to purify the miasma in Kikyou's body. Her arrow and Naraku's tentacle struck the Jewel at the same time, and Kikyou began to purify the Jewel. She sent the Jewel flying at Naraku, intending to purify him with the Jewel. But he was too strong, and escaped with the almost-complete Jewel (minus Kohaku's shard)._

_The gang was left to deal with the dying Kikyou. The last chapter was mainly a crapload of guilt-tripping, although I loved it anyways. At the end, Inuyasha, full-out crying and apologizing for being unable to save Kikyou, kisses her. She dies, her body exploding into a maelstrom of escaping souls. The final words of the chapter are Inuyasha saying, "She's saying, 'Don't mourn. I will always protect you.'"_

_STORY'S OVER! Phew! At any rate, I'm happy that the undead pot is finally dead, but this last chapter was sad and beautiful all the same. If you haven't already, I encourage you to read chaper 465 (once again, go to ear-tweak dot com, go to the manga section, and read "Light"), because it's just beautiful. Takahashi-sensei at her best. Thanks for reading my story!_


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